One Liners

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

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