Doctor! Doctor!

Health: The slowest possible way to die.

Doctors may not say exactly what they mean...

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They were reprinted in a column written by Dr. Richard Lederer for the Journal of Court Reporting.

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

* Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient refused an autopsy.

* The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

* The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

* The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.