2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the toilet, but I feel good about it.

3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

4. My stigmata's acting up.

5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for being late for work. Ok?

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Wal-Mart

8. My dog ate the chicken that froze to the driveway while the city was digging it up looking for the lost arc.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come in to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

13. I prefer to remain an enigma.

14. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

18. My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son.

19. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

20. I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You sure I should come in?